A belated Happy Thanksgiving

I want to wish everyone reading this a belated happy Thanksgiving. I hope that, in this time of thanks, we were all able to remember the story of thanksgiving and what it is all about.

The first Thanksgiving is believed to have occurred, as we all know, at the Plymouth Plantation in 1621. The pilgrims had been living in the new world for about a year at the time. Needless to say, their brief stay had not been what they expected. Here's roughly how the first year played out:

1) A bunch of dudes sign the Mayflower Compact, which said some stuff.
2) The pilgrims built some crappy homes out of wood and leaves.
3) The pilgrims totally started screwing up the ecosystems that the natives had so easily and effectively preserved. The nightcrawler, a now invasive species of earthworm, started wreaking havoc upon the earth as the natives knew it.
4) The pilgrims grew some tobaccy.
5) Tons of pilgrims got sick and died.
6) The pilgrims fought the natives and were getting their asses handed to them, like in last of the Mohicans.

That basically brings us up to the first Thanksgiving celebration. The history of this event is well known. Roughly one week before the first Thanksgiving celebration, a bunch of sickly colonists got together and decided they were tired of this shit. They were tired of crappy food and fighting losing battles against the natives. So, they plotted to bury the hatchet, as the saying goes. They called a peace treaty with the natives, which roughly stated, "Hey. We're sick and tired and hungry. I guess we could like you guys, sort of. Will you kill some turkeys and get some of your squash and stuff and host a feast for us. We'll call it Thanksgiving, because we'll be thankful for your gesture of peace." But, little did the natives know, that this event would bring about their untimely demise.

The first thanksgiving was held shortly afterward. The natives surely delivered. They brought their finest turkeys, squashes, pumpkins, corn, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, sweet potato casseroles, stuffing, and a shit-ton of beer. The colonists were overjoyed. They greedily ate the majority of the feast, leaving little for the natives to enjoy.

When the feast was finally over, the natives and the colonists joined hands in thanks. Together, they composed a song to sing in celebration of their peace. "You're the Voice," the song composed at the first Thanksgiving, was later made popular by the English rockstar John Farnham in 1985. Afterward, everyone returned to their dwellings and succumbed to food comas.

While the celebration was taking place, however, a small band of colonists secretly invaded the native American dwellings and put poisonous scorpions in all of their blankets. When the natives returned to their dwellings to sleep, the scorpions stung their asses bad. The pilgrims then swooped in like smokey demons, and destroyed those natives in their weakened, swollen-ass state.

After their victory, the pilgrims declared that the day should be marked and remembered as "Thanksgiving." They declared that future generations of colonists should remember this day and give thanks. They should give thanks that the natives didn't think of such an awesome plan first, because they would have gotten their asses stung by scorpions, and they would have been scalped. And so, Thanksgiving was born.